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01/10/2010: "Crossroads"

Reading through my email i opened the one containing info on my course refund. Seems like my super short stint as an SIM student has ended. In retrospect, i have no regrets. 3 years of business would have benefitted me but not enrich me. I recall sitting on the ambulance steps as Yazid told the attachment why he chose to become a paramedic and in this cloudy haze of a memory, i saw someone who lived life and not live for living. If you get what i mean...

Then i look at buchuk, and how her dreams are almost within touching distance. Her wants, her needs, soon to be fulfilled. The injustice that has plagued her for many years soon to turn on itself.
I am happy for her. I truly am.

The deep, darker side of me envies her success. It shames me, it treads on my ego like a bathmat, but the evolved side, the one that makes her laugh, that comforts her, that makes it ok...
wants the world for her and so she will receive soon enough.

I digress.

What i mean to say is that like Yazid, Buchuk doesnt believe in the beaten path, but creates a path of her own. Any tree, any bush, that stands in their way gets hacked down. They live their lives the way they want to, not how they should.

I spent hours predicting the emptiness of my life in years to come should i fail. Words of despair echoed in my ears. My heart raced like the drums of congo, that sinking feeling of dying, doom. And then i woke up.

From the blackness, the bleakness of this heavy, heavy cloud, i saw, as proverbs would say, a silver lining. Not of opportunities, but of hope.

I may not walk the busy streets but the lonely roads will take me there.

I know i will arrive.